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The cold doesn't end this year. Every day I get up and imagine the torment of putting my bare feet on the tile floor in my room. I want the '70s back. I want shag carpet with a built-in heater.
I want the future, too. I want a bed that rolls into the bathroom and throws me into a hot shower. I want a world where the snooze button -- cocaine for procrastinators -- has been banned forever.
It has been a cold year for everyone -- not least of which is a good friend of mine, D. Chris Buttars. He won't tell you to your face, but the "D" stands for Divine. He is a modern-day Adam. He might be old enough to be Adam. He rarely smiles, but after a good joke about something silly like Brown v. Board of Education, he will guffaw loudly and show his bright white fangs.
Sometimes on the weekends, I find myself tying knots with the old coot. We put on our boy scout uniforms, make fires and talk about the roaring blazes he's erupted on the Senate floor. He craftily maneuvers a Midshipman's Tautline, cocks an eyebrow and speaks candidly.
"The gays are really corrupting my relationship with Helen," Buttars said. "Why, just the other day she wanted me to hug our son. Nothing could be gayer!"
We laugh. I think about giving him a high-five, but let's face it -- he won't even touch another man. He was raised ass-backwards in Logan, a town where couples get married and think sex has something to do with a belly button. After spending a semester in Logan, I realized there are two types of people: those who float on clouds and are oblivious to the whole damn world, and those who rebel hard, not just going off the deep end, but digging a hole once they reach the bottom.
I fit into one of those categories.
Enough about me. This is about my good friend Chris. If you read at all, you'll know that Buttars described a bill by stating, "This baby is black. It's a dark, ugly thing."
The NAACP is up in arms. Lately, the editorial page has made him "worst in show." They've pinned a ribbon to his chest proclaimed him biggest jerk in Utah. I am appalled. His constituents voted him in, didn't they? If he is so bad, what should we say about those who gave him their vote?
Based on his comment, everyone has decided he's a racist. He is, but his comment has nothing to do with it. Come on now. There are a lot of things that are black besides people! There's licorice, high-priced oil, Buttars' heart. It's unfair to say that he was referring to the ugliness of African Americans.
Let's be honest. There are a lot of things Buttars doesn't like.
I always have a great time hanging out with my friend Chris. Sometimes I joke that my dog and cat fell in love and gave birth to a "dat." He wags a wrinkled, bony finger at me and tells me how impossible that is.
Then he sends me home. Buttars has a long day tomorrow in the Legislature making sure gay people are not considered human. He'll have a long day rubbing elbows with Gayle Ruzicka and drinking liberal blood.
He is the ugly baby.
I walk outside to my frosted over Toyota Camry. It's a cold day in Utah. The days will only get colder as long as Buttars is in office.
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