Issue date: 3/24/08 Section: Opinion

I've accepted the fact that April 19 will probably be the day I die.

"Why is Ryan dying at such a young age?" a few readers might ask. "Will it be a slow and painful death as he deserves?" most readers will hope. I believe I will soon die, for April 19 is the day of the Salt Lake City Half Marathon.

For some reason, I've deluded myself into thinking that running a half marathon is something within my realm of possibility. Unaware of my physical limitations, I apparently have never actually met Ryan Shattuck. He does not run half marathons, he does not have the capability of running a half marathon and he certainly does not refer to himself in the third person when writing about running a half marathon. Regardless of this obvious and painful fact, I obviously must have had a shot or two of something intoxicating ("Hey bartender, forget the Jack Daniels -- I'll just have barbiturates on the rocks.") the day I registered to run the half marathon.

I don't know why I think I'll last 13 miles when most days I try not to exert more physical energy than is needed to breathe. Rather, I subscribe to the Phyllis Diller philosophy of exercise: "My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit."

I find solace in knowing that my aversion to exercise is not uncommon. About 6 percent of Americans exercise 30 minutes a day while 22 percent of Americans exercise three to four times a week. Some people do eat correctly and exercise regularly, but unfortunately these people generally find themselves in the minority. Many of us desire to stay in shape, but many of us -- including myself -- also lack the time, energy and motivation that is required. In fact, it's been statistically proven (i.e., I'm making this up) that if the same percentage of people exercised as watched American Idol, then Coke would begin product placements in gyms. Just make sure the Coke cups always face the camera.

Struggling to stay physically fit has long plagued modern society. We buy ab machines, go on fad diets, attend wellness seminars, buy health books, take nutritional supplements, go to yoga classes and count food points. Some even go as far as to buy workout videos with titles that include "Richard Simmons" and "Sweating To." There's no question that we desire to be in better shape -- health and fitness is a $14.1 billion industry while nutrition and weight loss are a $44 billion industry. We certainly have the best intentions when we buy these billions of dollars worth of abercisers, Atkins diet books and "Dancing With the Stars" cardio dance videos, which I promise I've probably never used. Despite such financial investments in the exercise industry, is something being lost in translation along the way? If so much money is spent, why do so many of us continue to be overweight and out of shape?

Continued...

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